How to own your boundaries

"Boundaries define us. They define what is me and what is not me. A boundary shows me where I end, and someone else begins, leading me to a sense of ownership. Knowing what I am to own and take responsibility for gives me freedom." - Henry Cloud.
Having strong boundaries can make a huge difference in our life. First of all, it'll give you a sense of sovereignty and authority in life. Second, it can help you manage your time more efficiently.
I'm sure you already know why setting boundaries is good for you. But sometimes it's so damn hard. Why is that? To answers that question, we need to travel back in time. Into our childhood, to be specific.
Usually, sometime when we are around 3 years old, we are beginning to explore the world outside of our primary caretaker. We are beginning to feel a strong sense of Self. We want to know who we are. We are often rebelling against our parents and learning what is good and acceptable and vice versa. A child needs boundaries to mature. Having no boundaries confuses a child, leaving them without a clear sense of Self. In adulthood, we are afraid that we will make a wrong decision, and that we will be out of control.
Sometimes boundaries from parents are being aggressive. A parent is a boss, and a child needs to act accordingly. A child then tends to suffocate their free will and start obeying out of fear. They are becoming something a parent wants, and not what is the true nature of their personality.
The other situation can be if a child is manipulated by a parent because "mama knows best, and if you don't do as I say I will be very, very sad and disappointed." A child then tends to feel guilty for proclaiming their freedom. And becomes a people pleaser.
In these situations, the problem is that a parent's "no," a child interprets as a no towards them and not towards their behavior. At this age, we will do anything not to lose the love of the parent. A child needs to feel safe. From the place of love and safety, children can begin to learn how to control their emotional reactions, express themselves, and acceptable behavior. They will learn that life will not just give them everything they desire. And that's okay, but they will know they are worthy of love no matter what.If, as children, we have experienced aggression, manipulation, or rather fluid boundaries, the sense of Self can be disrupted. We are trying to find our sense of worth through other people, or we are afraid if we say no, we will be rejected. The consequence can be having no personal boundaries. We endure until we flip.

What does it mean to have boundaries?
1. We have to know how we feel. We need to get to know who we are first and how we react in certain situations. Then, we can decide what is okay for us and what is not. Otherwise, we will either be completely consumed in other people's will, or we will rebel, fight, and say no to everyone and everything without any clarity of why.2. After we get the clarity of what is acceptable for us, we need to start practicing it. Start with small things. Say no to situations that are not terrifying you. Explore how do you react to other people's boundaries. Does it make you feel bad? Do you feel rejected? Acknowledge that it has nothing to do with you. Respect other people's boundaries and even learn from them.3. Turn around the situation. When you say no to someone or something, what are you saying yes to? Make a list to keep you motivated.4. Remember, it's not about perfection. If your boundary gets crossed, acknowledge your feelings, don't feel bad, but rather find a way to give yourself back what you feel is taken consciously. Can you love yourself if you haven't said no? It takes dedication and practice.
"Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves even when we risk disappointing others.
Written by Lana Kunstek